Fear is a unique emotion and it is built into our psyche at the survival level. However, it was not designed for our day to day lives in this century. It was to prevent us from doing activities that would harm us like being eaten by a tiger or walking off a cliff. It was not built into us to keep us from doing things that would improve our life.
Fear is something we rarely talk about and if we do it comes out as if it is just the way things are. It becomes an excuse for inaction. There is nothing wrong with feeling fear. It is natural emotion for fight, freeze or flight.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
When we are growing up, we are surrounded by the boundaries of others that are in our immediate world. When you learn those boundaries and use them as an adult, they may not work out in the world. Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships.
Boundaries are the script that tells others how to behave around you. Most people will become uncomfortable when a behavior of another crosses that line. You can see this in action when you look around at the differences in personal space. If a person has a small bubble for personal space, they may not understand that you are not comfortable sitting or standing that close. The same goes with personal questions, you may not want to answer due to an emotional boundary. There are also psychological boundaries that are created when a target of bullying or emotional abuse.
We expect people to honor are boundaries. The problem is, if you don’t express those boundaries and their own boundaries are difference, they won’t know they are making you uncomfortable. Narcissists will often pray on individuals with weak boundaries. You must learn how to establish healthy emotional, psychological and psychiatric boundaries.
If you are not sure of your own boundaries or our rights in a relationship use the following questions as a guideline.
Ask yourself these questions about current relationships?
1. Am I safe in my relationships?
2. Do those around me know my boundaries?
3. Is it safe to express opinions?
4. Does the other person affirm and cheer you on?
5. Do you feel validated?
6. Do I feel I have the right to say no and have that “no” respected?
7. Is the relationship meeting personal needs?
8. Are you treated respectfully- absence of emotional, physical, or verbal abuse?
Really think about what is acceptable behavior in your relationships. Is anyone refusing to take no for an answer? Not accepting the answer no is a violation of your rights as an individual. If the same person continues this behavior, you also need a consequence. I often find good examples of this on Facebook. Someone asks to be your friend, you are nice, so you say yes. Immediately you get questions like are you married? What are you wearing today? This is a violation of most people’s personal boundaries. The consequence from me? I don’t even respond to them; I immediately block any message from that account.
If you feel you have poor boundaries due to domestic violence or other traumatic event, you should find a counselor, not a coach. While both can help you with assertiveness training, counseling goes a step further and looks at things such as are you putting your own needs on hold when reacting to others?
People with these type of boundary concerns will say things like: “I don’t want to be mean?” “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” “I don’t want to make them mad at me.”
The other area you should seek counseling and not a couch orbits around individuals who have had their boundaries completely violated. This could include assault and emotional or physical abuse. They will work hard to not upset the abuser and push their own needs out of the picture out of fear.
I am a life coach and yes, I want to help those that decide to work with me. However, it would be unethical to say I could coach someone who has trauma. That kind of boundary concern takes more than a coach to overcome.
Have a great week!
A lot of people who experience trauma and then find themselves jumping at sounds, panicking at a bonfire or even dropping into isolation and depression, ask 'what is wrong with me?' The honest answer... absolutely nothing. These reactions will occur when the body interprets an event to be threatening, or thought to be harmful.
The body is designed to either "flight, freeze or fight" when it senses it is in danger. That is why some people when asked why they did not run will shamefully reply that they couldn't. It is the truth, if the flight mechanism is freeze, they cannot move.
I experienced this with a cougar once. My brain was screaming to go back in the house but I couldn't move a muscle. I was frozen. I couldn't understand why my body would not respond to the thought "I WANT TO LEAVE."
The body will respond to the thought 'I am danger.' It doesn't matter how the event occurred. It doesn't matter if it is a loss of job, robbery, house fire or natural disaster. There are some traumas that wound on a much deeper level. These are often harmful childhood events or violence from someone we love or have loved.
The problem arises when the body becomes hyper-vigilant. Much like a deer being hunted, we will look around wildly and the body becomes ready for one of the danger responses when something is perceived as potentially dangerous. You can see this in action when some returning soldiers goes to a 4th of July celebration and then drops to the ground at the first explosion. His body has trained for this trigger and will fall back to it even when there is no threat.
See, we have two types of brain. A new brain and an old brain. The old brain holds the responses to danger. The new brain analyzes if there is really danger. The old brain gets signals faster than the new brain can process. So the thought 'I am at fireworks' doesn't occur till the soldier is already on the ground.
This is why many coaches and definitely counselors teach grounding techniques to give the new brain time to catch up with the old brain. It is only after the new brain activates that a person can discern if there is actual danger.
There is a book out that talks about this phenomena and if not cared for, what the stress does to the body. It is great and I highly recommend it.
Happiness encompasses a lot of other words and psychologists have been trying to pin it down for decades. It is a broad word that includes contentment, cheerfulness, joy, high spirits, well-being and more. Positive messages and fun memes will not in and of themselves create happiness. However, positive affirmations sure don’t hurt.
Research around the globe has found that most people rate happiness as more important than a meaningful life, becoming rich or even getting into heaven. They have even connected happy states such as feeling fulfilled and having a positive outlook to physical health. Feelings such as these seem to benefit blood pressure, the immune system and more. It has even been linked to a longer life span.
It is one thing that a few people swear it works, a few people think it’s B.S. and most, do not understand.
If you’re among those that have heard about this before but don’t know what it is or how it works, I don’t blame you. Google this and you’ll get a complicated scientific explanation.
You’ll learn about frequencies and brainwaves and how the brain works and many other things that make your head spin. I’m surprised that you aren’t required to have a PhD to learn about brainwave entrainment, because honestly, it feels that complicated sometimes and I’m one person who knows how to do this right.
So instead of giving you another complex definition of this, with theta and gamma states, I’ll ask you a basic question.
Have you ever had moments in your life when you felt like you “attracted” good luck?
Impatience as defined means to refuse to endure or to suffer. Many of us suffer from a lack of patience. This is especially harmful for goals as many people in the face of impatience or a need for instance gratification give up.
The most common cause of this is not accepting the way the world is in that moment. Sure, we can work together to change the world and we should. But when you are working on a goal, the reality around you now is what you must overcome and cope within life.
You can really see someone rail against this reality in traffic. Despite studies showing that zig zagging through traffic does really get you where you were going that much faster. It is measured in seconds not minutes. People will still risk accidents darting in and out of traffic or tailgating because they get impatient with the people driving around them.
When things are not going well or you can feel the minutes ticking by, what you are experiencing is a slowing of time. Yet if you really paid attention to the actual time spent, it is not as long as it feels. Sitting for three minutes in stop and go traffic can feel like thirty.
Impatience often leads to anger and anger is never productive. It can create a why bother attitude and that is very dangerous to goal completion. When you catch yourself being impatient, ask yourself what the real problem is. It is usually some lack of acceptance of our reality in that moment. You cannot stick with goals and achieve them if you don’t work on them in your actual reality versus the way things should be.
What can you do about it? First, identify where you are railing at your reality and see if anything in that is under your control to change. If it is not, then you need to find ways to occupy your time while you wait. Come to face this reality, often people, traffic and time will not follow your desires.
What do you get impatient with? I would love to see your answers. My big one is waiting in lines.
There is a misconception about Inner Peace that impacts a lot of people. It is often thought that if you have inner peace than you are always passive, and life becomes pretty dull. This is not the truth, inner peace leaves you feeling alive and rejuvenated.
Here is how Wikipedia defines it:
"Inner peace (or peace of mind) refers to a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress. Being 'at peace' is considered by many to be healthy and the opposite of being stressed or anxious."
Maintaining Goal Progression.
A lot of people set goals. A lot of people have a dream that could become a goal if written down using smart goal criteria. It is great, all these goals floating about. But what happens to a goal say three months down the road?
The truth? Most people give up on their goals as they don’t have a way of measuring progress, so it feels like you are getting nowhere. So many people give up on goals just short of achieving them. Part of this is self-sabotage, feeling like they don’t deserve it or are not using anything to track progress.
Having a method to track progress let’s you re-evaluate your goal if you are falling behind. Maybe you set the goal time line to short due to not knowing some steps you would need to take. Life happens. Goal dates sometimes must be moved back due to a current life situation.
Goal completion dates are not set in stone for almost all goals. If you miss a goal date, you haven’t failed. You just need to revamp your goals.
The first step to maintaining progress on your goal happens back in the beginning when you set your goals. You must set SMART goals.
Powerless… this word is usually attached to addicts as it is in their 12 step program. The truth is that many of us struggle with this feeling. It occurs when a person repeatedly tries to use the same techniques to try to get control of hang-ups and bad habits. Until we admit we are powereless in this cycle and ask for help, stress and anxiety will rise.
Four Techniques you can use to break free of this harmful cycle.